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She couldn’t have been a day over . She did not wear a bra. (LIZ LAUGHING) You think that’s funny? Not wearing a bra is ha-ha funny? No, not the lack of bra, in and of itself, no. Well, let me tell you, there was nothing funny about it. Teenage wife, prancing around in front of boys with no bra on all day! So when does school start, dear? The Wednesday after Labor Day. I heard they were making the children in New York City start school in August these days, because they were so hopelessly behind in their studies. It’s not true. Hmm. Do you think they should start in August? Or even July? Right, like she’s really going to be in favor of teaching all summer. (MOM CLEARING THROAT) Paul, we never did get to what it is you do. That is, when you’re not swimming the Amazon, or crossing the Great Ponds. I’ve been writing for a business magazine. Mostly personal investments, money markets, IRAs, that kind of thing. That sounds like a drag. Suzanne… No. Actually, she’s right. It’s… It isn’t fun. Well, maybe this little vacation will re-energize you and you can go back to work with a whole new attitude. Not that I would want to write a financial column. Or even read one. I’m not going back to work. AUNT KAREN: No? Oh? Well, what’s next? Riding a bicycle to the Yukon? PAUL: Uh… Nothing, really. MOM: Nothing? PAUL: Not really. People don’t just do nothing, Paul. (WHISPERING) You have to do something. Well, actually, if you really want to know, I’m going to kill myself. (NERVOUS LAUGHTER) He’s joking. He’s… These guys have a real deadpan sense of humor. Bedpan? Deadpan. Bedpan, too. PAUL: Oh, I’m not joking. But if you’d rather not discuss it, which is more than fine with me, let’s not. Please. Let’s do. (STAMMERING) What is all this nonsense about killing yourself? Why? Because I’ve lived my life. Uh-huh. You’re all of years old! Thirty-five, actually. Well, I don’t care if you’re . It’s still a poor reason to commit suicide. AUNT KAREN: She’s right, Paul. Suicide is not the answer to anything. Particularly growing older. If it was, we’d all be dead. (CHUCKLING) Look, I’m way over , and you don’t see me committing suicide. I’m no spring chicken either, and I’m still here. You know what? I’m… I’m sorry I brought this up. I’m sorry. Good luck closing that barn door. It actually was a ioke, okay? I’m not going to kill myself. I’m sorry I said that. I’m sorry. Um… I was just making conversation. I do not like those boys. Which one are you dating? I’m not dating either of them, Mom. I iust hate to see you throw yourself into the arms of the first man who smiles at you just because you’re getting older. Do yourself a favor. Forget about marriage and children. It’s not worth the sacrifice. Thanks. Oh, stop with that! You know what I’m saying. You gotta look out for number one, which is you, not some man. I’ll tell you something. I don’t give Pasthule a thing, until I got my… (WHISPERS) You know what. I really don’t want to discuss this. Uh, yeah, I think she does some good work with the right roles. I didn’t say she was better than you, just she does what she does. And no, I don’t think she’s prettier than you. Well, yeah, she’s younger. I mean, that’s just a fact. Right. No, she’s not. We’ll talk about this when I get home, okay? Yes, I gotta get off the phone. ‘Cause it’s not polite to talk for an hour on the phone at someone’s house. Yeah, whatever, minutes. Yes, definitely. Uh, no, nothing’s wrong. I don’t know what you perceive in my voice, but everything’s fine. I’ll call you soon. Bye. High maintenance! So you’re an actor, huh? Have I seen you in anything? Other than the dining room during dinner? I doubt it. Unless you happened to be living in the Phoenix-Scottsdale area a few years back, where you would certainly recognize me from the Lem’s Auto Insurance ad as the poor bastard who slams his car into a hearse. It ran all the time. I think I missed that one. Well, I have it on tape. Be happy to send it to you. I could even autograph the, uh, tape sleeve. You know that self-deprecating humor is usually used as a defense mechanism for those with actual low self-esteem, right? That would be me. Which doesn’t mean it isn’t funny. Thanks. But what I’m really good at is bartending. Hmm, someone’s gotta make the drinks, huh? Yeah, I guess so. So, uh… What do you study in college? Actually, I’m a drama major. Another actor. No, I’m just kidding. I’m pre-med. Really? So, you want to be a doctor? No. I’m with you. I’m iust a regular liberal arts, nothing special, no-real-skills-learned major. You’ll make a great temp someday. Thank you. So, um, your friend in there, he sounded serious about wanting to kill himself. He is. Hmm, interesting. It’s his life. You think so? No, it’s your life. Let’s take a walk. Where to? I don’t know. I’m gonna go for a walk. Come join me, if you like. And that’s when I knew, right then and there, that I could never eat another tomato! And that’s when I knew, right then and there, that I could never eat another tomato! (LAUGHING) (DOOR CLOSES) She’s not on the porch. Tell her she’ll just have to walk home.



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