Oldskool Radio

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You’re an asshole. And you’re an idiot. What’d I do? (TRAIN WHISTLE BLOWING) I’m pretty sure “slack tide” means… It’s like… Slack. It’s calm. It’s not moving either way. Remember, the Hudson is an estuary where the water flows in, then flows out. Right, so ideally you want to be swimming at ebb tide, right? Maximum ebb best of all, where you’d be just coasting along practically. I know, so why was I fighting tides half the morning? I don’t know how to read the chart. Well, we were beginning to think you killed yourself. You okay? Went window shopping. I’m cold and sore and everything aches. What do you care? You’ll be dead soon anyway. (THUNDER RUMBLING) LIZ: Cigarettes don’t help with your circulation, you know? What do I care? I’ll be dead soon anyway. Douché. Maybe we should take tomorrow off. Rest a day. We could… I don’t know, take a factory tour or something. See where plastic’s made. Can’t fall behind. Then we’ll motor down the river for a few miles at the end of the day and nobody will know the difference. I’ll know the difference. I want to do this right. I’d like to accomplish this one thing in my life. I want to actually do something instead of just talking about doing things. You know what I mean? Let’s get a milkshake. This guy really didn’t get enough time in the mixer. Neither of them, Mom. Right. Yes. Maybe tomorrow. When are we getting there? When do you think we’ll get there? JEFF: Uh, hard to say. We’ll be there tomorrow afternoon. LIZ: Probably tomorrow. I want to do miles tomorrow. LIZ: No. Okay. I’m serious. I want to do miles. I heard you the first time. Neither of them, Mom! Okay? Uh, sometime tomorrow afternoon, probably. Will Pasthule be there? I’m just asking. Suzanne? All right, well, we’ll all have dinner. Okay. Okay. Okay! Bye. All set. She’s looking forward to it. Faggots! LIZ: Good morning. Hey, did you sleep okay? Yeah. We need to get going. The current’s really moving. Maximum ebb, people! Let’s go while we got it! JEFF: (WHISPERING) He’s out of his mind! No kidding. And we’re going right along with it. I made him a promise. You don’t have to honor it. JEFF: Says who? You? What good is giving your word to a friend if you don’t plan on keeping it? (MOSQUITO BUZZING) Shit! You all right? Just swimming down the river. OFFICER: What do you mean? I’m swimming down to the Verrazano Bridge. Verrazano Bridge? It’s like miles. Not all at once. You know, day by day. Everything okay? Everything okay here? I’m fine. Really. He wants to swim the entire river. It’s one of those, uh, endurance things. Kind of, like, that Iditarod dog sled race they have in Alaska. Except there’s no other racers. Right. You got a permit for this? No. Do I need one? Just be careful, okay? Thank you. Do you know what we’re eating tonight? Nope. My aunt will be making dinner. There’ll be an aunt there? Yep. My cousin, also. The whole gang. You don’t sound too enthused. You sure you want to do this? We can always stay at a motel, if you want. We’ll be fine. (THUDDING) me! What are the chances your mother will have homemade sticky buns waiting for us at the house? Near zero. What are the chances your stepfather will… Mother’s boyfriend! What are the chances your mother’s boyfriend will commit homoual rape upon my person? (CAR HONKING) Your taxi’s here! Hi, Mom! Now, that one was built by a prosperous Dutch merchant in the s. Made an absolute fortune in imports. Unfortunately, his grandson frittered it all away and it had to be sold a few years back. JEFF: That’s too bad. Yes, a shame. You used to play with his grandson, Liz. Do you remember? We used to smoke pot by the river in high school, if that’s what you mean. Oh, don’t be sassy! And what about you, Seth? What does your family do? Jeff. What? Jeff. MOM: Jeff. Forgive me, Jeff. So what does your family do? My mother’s a college professor, retired, and my father is a physician. Oh! A doctor. That must’ve come in handy when you got the flu. Ha! Actually, he was the kind of guy who was so wrapped up in his work and research and whatever else, you could be walking around the house with a bloody stump and he wouldn’t notice. My aunt had a leg amputated and believe me, Jeff, you’d notice. Right. I mean, he probably would have noticed something like that. And what do you do? JEFF: Actor. Bartender. Et vous? Et vous? Hey! Hello? What’s your background? My father was a lawyer. My mother was a homemaker. They both died. Aw, lord. Plane crash? PAUL: No, no. Cancer. Natural causes. They both had good lives. Thank goodness for small favors, huh? PAUL: Yeah. That house is amazing. The Williams. More divorce and alcoholism in that family than I care to discuss. Troubled family, huh? I don’t want to discuss it. Please. The youngest is in jail, if you can believe it. And the middle one is a… A . Oh, look at that one. That is huge! The Vanderhooks. Their money came from the railroads. They had nine children. Seven. Well, I never counted. Mostly boys, it seemed. And poor Emily. Oh, she died so tragically young. Not that the father seemed to mind. No, he had a new wife by the end of the year.



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