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I need to talk to you. It has to do with the death of Justin Bieber. His death is not my problem. Look, I’m trying to find out who’s killing the pop stars of the world. And I think you’re my only chance. What part of “not my problem” did you not understand? None of it. So you did understand the part about it not being my problem, or you didn’t understand any part of it not being a part of my problem? No, no, no, Derek. I think what she’s saying is that she understands what you’re saying, but she doesn’t accept it. Hansel! It’s all too confusing. I thought coming here would help me find myself, and possibly my son. But this is more than I bargained for. This hermit crab is crawling back into his planetarium. I can use the database at Interpol to help you find your son. If you help me. I think we got to play ball with her. She’s got some kind of database or something that she says will help us find little Derek. And she’s hot. I trust her. So, before Bieber died, he Twitpic’d this look. He posted it to the blogspot for his summer concert tour. He was trying to send a message. It’s Blue Steel, right? What are you, a ing idiot? Yeah, that’s Blue Steel. My question is, is Interpol one of those socialist things where they hire mentally-impaired people? I Radios I know. That’s right. I heard your mother worked here. Oh, snap! My mother doesn’t work here. No more Radios, okay? Is this Blue Steel or not? Not even close. I knew what it was the moment I saw it. It’s an old one Radios From the s. It was for a body lotion campaign I did. I called it “Aqua Vitae”. Young forever. Moo! Still holds up. Notice the curvature of my right eyebrow. It’s night and day from Blue Steel. He’s right. When I overlay them, there are over , different facial anomalies. Wow. I had no idea there was so much subtlety involved. Please accept my apologies, Derek. None taken. Whoa! Filippo, we need to find everything there is on Aqua Vitae. Hold on a second, lady. A deal’s a deal. Now, you help me find my son. Sure. His name is Derek Jr.? Yes. Have you ever Facebooked him? No, thanks. Matilda facebooked Radios Radios and it killed her. Found him. He’s at the Orphanage Del Piccolo Cletusi. Here. In Rome. Wait. What? He’s in Rome. That’s convenient. So we can hit that party at the IncrediBall. A little too convenient. Someone wants you here, guys. But who? Listen to me. Be careful at the orphanage. And trust no one at House of Atoz. I’ll see what I can find. Thanks for coming with me. I feel kind of nervous. Hey. You’re showing up. Feel good. That must be him. Where? He’s even more gorgeous than I imagined. You’re a lucky man. You there. Boy. What’s his name? Who? Him? That’s Fabrizio. Fabrizio. What a beautiful name. He used to be called Derek Jr. Really? That’s strange, ’cause that’s my name. Bye, mister. Let’s go. What? Let’s go. Why? I can’t do this. Why not? He’s fat! The fat one is Derek Jr. No, that chubby kid’s name is Fatlander. I heard them call him that. Don’t you get it? He switched the “Zoo” part with “Fat”. That’s how he came up with “Fatlander”. Fat equals Zoo! So wait. You’re saying that just because your son is fat that makes him some sort of terrible person? Maybe you’re right. No, I’m asking. Does being fat make someone a terrible person? And I’m agreeing with you. I seriously think my fat son might be a terrible person. And it doesn’t make him a good person, I know that. But I don’t know what to say. I think you better puddle-talk it out. So I guess I have a lot to ponder. You sure do. Derek. What? Who’s that? I don’t know. It wasn’t me. Derek. Derek. Ghost of Matilda? Is that really you? Yes, Derek. I’m sorry I haven’t been in touch, but I’ve just been so dead. Listen. You must love our son. He needs you. But beware of the Headmaster. What’s happening to you? Love our son. Ew! And beware the Headmaster. Hello. I’m the Headmaster. Derek Zoolander Radios Radios I’m assuming. Because I’ve never met you ever. Mr. Hansel informs me that you’d like to see your son. Easily arranged. Come. I should tell you, your son is incredibly gifted. Hello. If you want to find the Spirits in the Material World, you need to talk to the Ghost in the Machine. What? Who is this? I have a Message in a Bottle for you, so don’t go to The Police. Okay, don’t go to the police ’cause there’s a message in a bottle. Okay, I got it. Now go prank call someone else, idiot. Here they are now. Hey, there, sport. I hear someone’s a fat little smartypants. I’ll leave you to it, then. I’m gonna let you two catch up and maybe hit the spa back at the Caca. Look, I know you have a lot of unresolved feelings, but I’m still your father. You’re not my father. You weren’t there. That wasn’t my choice. I was there when you were little. Most kids play catch with their father. They don’t go with them to a thong shoot. There are lots of starving children in Africa who would die to go to a thong shoot. What? Look, let me make it up to you. Let’s go play ball-catching now. Ball-catching? So how’s the family reunion going? Great. I’d like to check him out for a few hours, if that’s okay.


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